Defining yourself

How do you define yourself? I'm talking about the deep-down fundamentals at the core of who you are.

A few months ago (yes, I've been pondering this for ages), I went for lunch with a mentor of mine. She's basically my Yoda. She wouldn't like that comparison and would much prefer I call her my Branch Rickey, but I'm trying to appeal to mass knowledge here. Anyhoo, we discussed my concussion and how it was screwing with my sense of self.

I had never taken the time to figure out what makes me tick. Luckily this extremely insightful woman had and her conclusions were spot on.

She proposed that I define myself in the following way:
1. I am tough and can handle anything on my own.
2. I am a hard-worker who will go above and beyond the call of duty.
3. I am an active and contributing member of society.

No wonder I felt I was losing myself! The concussion proved that I was not as tough as I like to think I am. I had to quit my job and was no longer hard-working. I spent hours on the couch alone, so there goes my contribution to society. Okay, I realize I'm being a drama queen, but it's how I felt at the time.

I was terrified that I wouldn't be "me" again; that those core elements I used to define myself were gone. I wasn't entirely sure I liked the new "me." I was scared my friends and family would secretly wish I was who I used to be. I kept trying to get back to being the person I was before the accident.

Slowly but surely the "me-ness" returned: my sense of humour came back; my ability to express myself returned; my physical strength grew. I felt more and more like myself.

And I stopped trying to be the "me" from before my accident. Luckily, with healing came wisdom. I learned from the accident and became a richer person for the experience. I wouldn’t go back to being the woman without this new wealth of knowledge.

I look at the way I defined myself pre-accident. I don't know for sure, but I suspect my core values have shifted in the past few months. Only time will tell, but I'm curious to see how I will define myself in the future.

SOTS wonders... How do you define yourself? Can your core values change or are they an inherent part of you?
Bella

Returning to life as I knew it

It’s been a long time since I’ve done a proper recovery update. I’m happy to report that I’m doing much better. I have a few lingering symptoms – headaches with pressure changes and occasional dizziness. My head is less squishy. I realize that sounds weird, but it’s a very good sign. I’ve also had days without headaches. Hugely exciting! I had an MRI and all was clear, which means I’ll eventually make a full recovery.

Gone are the activity restrictions! The deal is that I can do whatever I want, but I have to stop if I get a headache. So far, I’ve been to the movies (caused a headache, but only a minor one) and a Jays game (major headache, but totally worth it). I’ve been more physically active and started strength training. My body is thrilled to be active again. If muscles could smile, believe me, mine would.

My doctors even gave me the go-ahead to search for a job. Frankly, I needed this. I’m going a bit nutty without a job. I feel like I don’t do anything all day long, which is frustrating for a Type A personality. I’ve promised myself that I won’t go back to being the work-obsessed blackberry-addicted crazy person I was before. After all, this is my quest for a balanced life.

SOTS wonders… how would you fill the days?
Bella

Six months ago today

Six months ago today I was hit in the head with a softball. Maybe it’s my glass-half-full attitude, but I wouldn’t change what happened. I’ve discovered a lot about myself because of the accident, and I’ve taken time to evaluate my life. Here are six lessons from the past six months:

1. Wear a helmet. I was playing in a Sunday beer league that doesn’t require batters to wear helmets. Regardless of the league’s policy about helmets, I should’ve had one on my head. From now on, I’ll take responsibility for my own safety.

2. Surround yourself with generous loving people. Boyfriend, family, and friends got me through this. They take better care of me than I do, and I appreciate each and every one of them.

3. Respect your mind and body. During the first few weeks – okay, fine, months – I tried to force my recovery. I pushed myself too hard too fast. Just because you can push through the pain doesn’t mean you should. Listen to your body and respect what it tells you. Take the time you need to fully recover from an injury.

4. Recognize there’s more to life than your career. I was a blackberry-addicted career-aholic who couldn’t leave work at the office. I can see now that there’s more to life and more to me than my job.

5. Be a priority in your own life. I’ll return to the workforce with new found perspective. I will put me first. I won’t sacrifice healthy eating, exercise, and sleep the way I used to. I will make my health a priority.

6. Don’t let an accident keep you from what you love. Yes, I was hit in the head. Yes, the past few months have been difficult. But I love softball. I’ve been playing since I was a kid and this is the first major injury I’ve had. I will play again as soon as I’m able.

Bella

What if

First of all, my apologies to those who weren’t able to comment yesterday. Blogger was acting up, but I’ve made some changes to SOTS’s layout and hopefully the problem is fixed.

Lately I’ve had a serious case of the what ifs.

-What if I hadn’t been hit by the softball?
-What if my sense of humour doesn’t come back?
-What if I can’t return to my previous career?
-What if I put the weight back on?
-What if I lose my newfound perspective once I return to the workforce?

Yeesh. Talk about a pity party and worry fest. In general, I’m a glass half full type of person, but lately I’ve been getting stuck in cycles of negative thinking. Frankly, I don’t like this new habit of mine. It’s time to turn these negative what ifs around and see the positive side of things.

-What if I hadn’t taken the time to heal properly?
-What if I hadn’t chosen to eat healthier?
-What if I didn’t have this time to evaluate my life?
-What if I treated my mind and body with respect every day?

Oh, hey. I think I just found my missing mantra. Today I will treat my mind and body with respect.

SOTS wonders… what’s your positive what if?
Bella

Tick, tick, tick

“It must be so nice to have all that time.”

That’s a common response when people find out I’m on sick leave. I have to tell you, this time off is a mixed blessing.

Yes, it’s great to have time to evaluate my life. I certainly needed to take a break from my high-stress career-driven world and re-visit my priorities. To be honest, nothing short of a softball to the head could’ve slowed me down so this accident may have been a blessing in disguise. I’m lucky to have a chance to pause and reflect on how my goals and priorities have changed over the last few years.

The flip side of this time off is that it isn’t a vacation. That list of things I’d do if “I only had the time” isn’t getting shorter. Cars, trains, and planes aggravate my symptoms so travelling is out. My computer time is limited so writing a book isn’t an option (although I do love writing blog posts). That’s not to say I’m doing nothing. I’ve cleaned out the kitchen cupboards. I’ve reorganized my closet. I’ve tried new recipes. But most importantly, I’m healing.

Before the accident I used time as an excuse. I skipped the gym because I didn’t have enough time for a good work out. I grabbed unhealthy food on the go because I didn’t have time to grocery shop and prepare my own meals. Heck, I even skipped annual physicals because I didn’t have time for a doctor’s appointment.

I didn’t take the time to treat myself with respect. I filled my days with excuses and put other people’s priorities before my mental, emotional, and physical well-being. I fooled myself into thinking I didn’t have time for me, but I know I wasted at least 30 minutes each day. Was it absolutely necessary for me to give up my lunch hour to get in that extra bit of work? Was it imperative I beat that next level of Lego Indiana Jones on my DS? Did I really need to re-watch that episode of The Simpsons for the eighth time?

I’m giving myself 30 minutes of guilt-free “me time” every day. This isn’t a huge challenge while on sick leave, but it’s something that I need to start now so that it’s a habit when I re-enter the workforce. I will make myself and my health a priority.

Today my “me time” will be a 30-minute walk to my favourite tea shop.

SOTS wonders… how will you find 30 minutes today and what will you use your “me time” for?
Bella

Celebrate good times

I received excellent news from the doctors this week. First of all, I was misdiagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The symptoms of PTSD I’m suffering from also occur in cases of Post Concussion Syndrome. One thing to deal with is much better than two. That’s celebration number one!

Secondly, the docs say I can do more physical activity. As of late, my exercise has been limited to a daily 30-minute walk and yoga. Well, the docs have doubled it. I can go for two 30-minute walks, but I have to make sure to rest between them. This works out perfectly because David’s Tea (which I am obsessed with) is exactly a 30-minute walk from my apartment. More exercise? That’s celebration number two!

I’m feeling better each and every day. That’s celebration number three!

SOTS wonders… what are you celebrating today?
Bella

I'm two-timing

Yesterday I had my first date with a new physiotherapist, but I haven’t broken up with my other physiotherapist. It turns out I’m just not a one-therapist kind of girl. From now on I’ll be seeing both of them. Never on the same day, of course.

All kidding aside, they’re actually working together to help alleviate my headaches and dizzy spells. The new physiotherapist explained to me what’s physically happening with my head. I will now recap that info for you. Please keep in mind that this info has been processed through my damaged brain and may come out slightly garbled.

You know that soft squishy stuff that surrounds your skull? Well, when you get hit in the head with a softball that stuff shifts. I think of it as memory foam. The softball pushed the memory foam to the right side of my skull and it hasn’t returned to where it belongs. So, I have a lopsided head.

Since there’s more memory foam on one side of my skull that means there’s more blood flowing through it. This is part of the reason why I get dizzy and have headaches. Too much blood on one side, not enough on the other.

My lopsided head also means that I’m holding my body off-centre. I’ve been joking that I have Bobble-head syndrome (which is something I made up, but I imagine you know what I mean) because my head feels like it’s bobbing all over the place. My head never feels like it’s sitting comfortably on my neck. Well, turns out it isn’t sitting comfortably because of the lopsided memory foam. My body doesn’t know how to account for the extra weight and overcompensates.

At this point in the explanation I began to wonder how they’d fix this. Am I destined to be lopsided forever? No, not to worry. The physiotherapists can straighten me out. Physiotherapy for Post Concussion Syndrome consists of the most painful head massage ever. The physiotherapist very gently massages my head and shifts the memory foam back into position. This alleviates pressure in my head, and allows nerves and veins to function normally. Oh yeah, it also causes mind-numbing headaches that knock me out for a solid 24 hours. Once that initial headache subsides the rest of my week is better. Yay for improvement!

SOTS wonders… are you loyal to one physiotherapist?
Bella

Missing Mantra

When I was trying to lose weight I had a mantra: be as strong physically as you are mentally. I kept this little saying on a cue card in my wallet. If I considered ordering a dessert or skipping a workout, I’d whip out the card, read the mantra, and remember my goal.

This was all fine and dandy until my accident. I’m not so mentally strong any more. Plus, the mantra focuses on getting fit and I need to focus on getting healthy (similar, but different goals).

My doctors suggested I write a mantra about “active healing.” They’ve correctly determined that I consider healing passive and inactive. Essentially I feel lazy. Whenever I feel guilty about the hours spent in front of the television, I’m supposed to heal actively by visualizing the repairs my brain is making to itself. They charged me with the task of writing a new mantra about putting my physical and mental health first.

Hmmm, this is the type of task I love and yet… no mantra. No ideas. No drafts. No works in progress. Just an empty word document.

My fitness mantra came naturally. It just kept popping into my head. This new mantra feels forced. The creative juices haven’t been flowing and I wonder if it’s because I’m trying too hard.

SOTS wonders… do you have a mantra? Did you sit down and write it or did it come naturally to you?
Bella

PCS and PTSD

I’m often met with skeptical looks when I tell people I’m recovering from a concussion five months after being hit in the head with a softball. Before the accident I thought a concussion wasn’t that big a deal. It’s a term that’s thrown around a lot, especially with sports injuries. I assumed that it took a couple of weeks to recover. I didn’t realize that “concussion” encompasses everything from a bump on the head to serious brain trauma. Apparently there’s quite a debate in the medical community about the term “concussion” and the need to better define the varying degrees of injury.

I also didn’t know about the long term effects of a concussion. I’ve been diagnosed with Post Concussion Syndrome (PCS), which can last for days, weeks, months, or even years. The symptoms of PCS include:

1. Headaches – I haven’t had a day in 5 months without one.
2. Dizziness – Usually when I stand up too fast.
3. Fatigue – I’d love to tell you about this, but I need to go take a nap.
4. Irritability – I can’t think of an example, but I’m sure Boyfriend can (sorry, Boyfriend).
5. Insomnia – I rarely sleep and when I do, I have nightmares.
6. Loss of concentration and memory – I have trouble following the plot of CSI. ‘nuff said.
7. Noise and light sensitivity – Quiet, dark rooms are my haven right now.

My doctor recently added a second acronym to my list – PTSD. Yup, that’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Frankly, I was a bit taken aback by this. I felt uncomfy with this new diagnosis because, in my mind, PTSD is for survivors of car accidents, violent crimes, and war. I didn’t feel my accident was severe enough. My doctor quickly assured me that PTSD is quite common after any type of trauma. The symptoms of PTSD include:

1. Avoiding discussion about the event, especially feelings about the event – I hate talking about my feelings. I feel like I’m burdening people. This one is really tough for me. That said, the blog is helping; at least I’m writing about the accident.
2. Inability to remember aspects of the accident – I think I remember it, but there are some blurry bits and a few gaps in my memory.
3. Decreased feelings/emotions – I don’t laugh or smile as much.
4. Flashbacks to the incident – This usually comes in the form of nightmares for me.
5. Insomnia – Gah! This is a symptom of both PCS and PTSD. No wonder I’m so tired.

Okay, so this all sounds scary, but I’m making huge improvements. Concussions require time and lots of rest to heal. Since leaving my job to focus on my health, my recovery has been progressing very well. Yes, I still have headaches, but they’re less intense than they were. My speech is still slower than my usual gibber, but it is significantly faster than it was a few weeks ago. Slowly but surely, I’m getting back to me.

SOTS wonders…who do you talk to about your feelings?
Bella

Am I addicted to guilt?

Caitlin’s post yesterday about guilt really got my brain wheels turning. Am I addicted to guilt? How much of the day do I spent feeling guilty about things?

Part of my concussion recovery is tracking how I feel physically and emotionally. I have a symptoms journal where I note when I have a headache or dizzy spell and how bad it is on a scale of 1-10. After guilt came up a couple of times during my last doctor appointment, I also record when and why I feel guilty. Egad! Talk about opening a can of worms.

I have food related guilt: I ate too much; I didn’t eat enough; I could’ve made better choices. I have activity guilt: I didn’t do enough today; I did too much today. I have concussion guilt: I should be healing faster; I’m not a contributing member of society; I’m inconveniencing people. And a million other small things that add up to a whole lotta time wasted on feeling bad.

Even the guilt journal makes me feel guilty because I don’t write everything down. You know things are out of hand when you feel guilty about your guilt journal. Fairly counterproductive, no?

I’ve always been a perfectionist who aims to exceed expectation. This begs the question: is guilt what drives me? I don’t think so, and yet there’s no denying that I spent a large portion of my day worrying that I could’ve done any number of things better.

I believe self-analysis is healthy; by examining our actions and choices we are better equipped for the future. That said, often times my self-reflection focuses on the negative instead of the positive, which leads to – you guessed it – guilt. It turns out I’m the biggest bully in my life! I need to stop beating myself up.

To get a handle on guilt, I’m going to try Caitlin’s four steps. It’s time to focus more energy on the positive!

SOTS wonders… what role does guilt play in your life?
Bella

A girl's gotta eat

There’s no magic concussion pill that relieves symptoms. Plus, each brain heals differently, so it’s a bit of a trial and error adventure when it comes to treatment. There is rarely a moment I don’t have a headache, but I have found ways to relieve it: hydration, healthy eats, and sleep.

I noticed that when I eat certain foods my brain gets cloudy. It’s like walking through fog. I can still put together sentences and handle the day, but everything is a little fuzzy and confusing.

After observing the influence food has on my symptoms, my doctor and I discussed a few eating guidelines. None of these are revolutionary. Most of them are common sense. Basically it boils down to “give your body good fuel so your brain can heal.” Here are a few things I’m avoiding:

1. Heavily processed foods
2. White sugar and flour
3. Sucralose, aspartame, and high-fructose corn syrup
4. Alcohol
5. Caffeine

Like I said, it’s not rocket science but cutting these out (or at least cutting them down) has made a huge difference. I’m giving my brain what it needs to recover and I’m not experiencing the fogginess as often.

But here’s the kicker, it’s not just my brain that feels better. It’s my entire body! I have more energy. I rarely have an upset stomach. I’m more satisfied after I eat. Plus, I don’t get the raging cravings I used to. Don’t get me wrong, my sweet tooth is still thriving, but it’s not the same all-encompassing eat-an-entire-cake craving it used to be.

I’m going to take this couch time as an opportunity to learn more about what my body needs. With any luck, I can heal my brain and learn to properly care for my body at the same time.

SOTS wonders… how did you learn about nutrition? Any book recommendations?
Bella

Doctor's orders

I am a bad patient.

I often pretend I feel better than I do when the doctors ask about my symptoms. When reporting to friends and family, I downplay what the doctors have told me. I also tend to modify the doctor’s orders to suit my liking.

None of this is good, but what really makes me a bad patient is that I convinced my doctor to let me go back to work before I was ready. I actually went into my appointment with a pre-planned pitch to get her to sign-off on me returning to the office part time. I put on makeup so I didn’t look tired. I downplayed my symptoms. Truth be told, I probably flat out lied… to my doctor. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

This is just one example of me pushing myself too hard during recovery. There are a shameful number of examples I could share with you, but let’s leave it at this one since it is pretty bad. Now that I’m officially on sick leave, I have no excuse to focus on anything except healing (and healthy eating). To that end, here’s what my GP, concussion specialist, and physiotherapist have told me:

1. It was a serious concussion – they prefer I say that I suffered a brain injury because it clarifies the severity of the concussion.
2. The swelling is reduced, but my brain is still bruised.
3. Full recovery will take at least a year.
4. Recovery is slowed by asking too much of my brain too soon.

And their orders (even the ones I don’t like):

1. Avoid all physical, mental, and emotional stress.
2. Avoid anything that causes anxiety.
3. Avoid activities requiring extended focus.
4. No physical exercise except walking and yoga.
5. No reading.
6. No big screen movies, concerts, sporting events, or theatre.
7. No drinking.
8. No driving.
9. No flying or extended travel time.
10. Limited blackberry and computer use.
11. If a headache develops, immediately stop any activity that may be causing it.

SOTS wonders… do you have any ideas to fill the days? Any good TV shows to watch? Movies to rent?
Bella

Full disclosure

The reason I started Stilettos on the Streetcar was to give myself an outlet as I recover from an injury. I knew it would be challenging to share my feelings (gah, I hate talking about my feelings), but I also realize it’s necessary for recovery. That said I’ve been procrastinating like a mad woman. For some reason, typing what happened makes it real. Posting it makes it even more real.

In an effort to get this recovery train rolling, I need to divulge the nature of my accident. In November, I was hit in the head with a softball while playing in a Sunday rec league. Amazing Boyfriend immediately took me to the hospital. My forehead was huge – think The Goonies. I didn’t see the initial swelling because Boyfriend and Sister thought it would freak me out. They know me so well.

Five hours of observation and a CT scan later, I was told that I’d suffered a concussion. Boyfriend had to wake me up every hour all night (poor Boyfriend. This was not a fun task. Love him).

For the first few days, I was a disaster. I was speaking at a snail’s pace; became easily confused; passed out; lost words; and had pounding headaches. Plus, there were nightmares and waking visions. Anything I saw or heard during the day would transform into frightening dreams as soon as I fell asleep. And yet, in my concussed stupor, I assumed I’d be back in the office the following week.

WOW – was I ever wrong. Turns out, “concussion” can mean anything from little bump on the noggin to serious brain trauma. After seeing my family doctor, I was told I’d suffered a serious concussion with significant swelling and bruising in my brain. I was put on sick leave for two months. This was a nightmare for a Type A career-driven person like me.

I was told to avoid all physical, mental, and emotional stress. Essentially, I sat on the couch and watched a tonne of television. Slowly but surely I got better. My speech improved. The headaches lessened. In the New Year, I went back to work part time. I tried this for a month, but many of my symptoms returned. Eventually I had to admit that I couldn’t do my high stress, high expectation job so I resigned my position. This was a very had decision for me, but I realize now that I was pushing myself way too hard. I was asking my brain to be 100% in three months. A broken ankle takes longer to heal than that.

And that brings us to now. I’m currently focusing on healing my body. It’s a struggle every day because there isn’t a visible injury. With no cast or bruise to remind me that I’m injured, I often push myself too far and then pay for it.

This post is my pledge to do a better job of taking care of me. I promise to listen to my body’s signals and focus on healing. And I will share that journey with you.

SOTS wonders… have you ever had a concussion? How long did your recovery take? Do you have any healing tips?
Bella