Defining yourself

How do you define yourself? I'm talking about the deep-down fundamentals at the core of who you are.

A few months ago (yes, I've been pondering this for ages), I went for lunch with a mentor of mine. She's basically my Yoda. She wouldn't like that comparison and would much prefer I call her my Branch Rickey, but I'm trying to appeal to mass knowledge here. Anyhoo, we discussed my concussion and how it was screwing with my sense of self.

I had never taken the time to figure out what makes me tick. Luckily this extremely insightful woman had and her conclusions were spot on.

She proposed that I define myself in the following way:
1. I am tough and can handle anything on my own.
2. I am a hard-worker who will go above and beyond the call of duty.
3. I am an active and contributing member of society.

No wonder I felt I was losing myself! The concussion proved that I was not as tough as I like to think I am. I had to quit my job and was no longer hard-working. I spent hours on the couch alone, so there goes my contribution to society. Okay, I realize I'm being a drama queen, but it's how I felt at the time.

I was terrified that I wouldn't be "me" again; that those core elements I used to define myself were gone. I wasn't entirely sure I liked the new "me." I was scared my friends and family would secretly wish I was who I used to be. I kept trying to get back to being the person I was before the accident.

Slowly but surely the "me-ness" returned: my sense of humour came back; my ability to express myself returned; my physical strength grew. I felt more and more like myself.

And I stopped trying to be the "me" from before my accident. Luckily, with healing came wisdom. I learned from the accident and became a richer person for the experience. I wouldn’t go back to being the woman without this new wealth of knowledge.

I look at the way I defined myself pre-accident. I don't know for sure, but I suspect my core values have shifted in the past few months. Only time will tell, but I'm curious to see how I will define myself in the future.

SOTS wonders... How do you define yourself? Can your core values change or are they an inherent part of you?
Bella

2010 goal update

1. Try yoga.

UPDATE: Done. I started practicing yoga in January and haven’t looked back. I used to avoid yoga because I didn’t think I could quiet my mind. Plus, I’m not very flexible. Now I take an hour each week to focus on restoring and rejuvenating my body and mind.

2. Reach/maintain a healthy body weight.

UPDATE: Half way there. I’ve reached goal. Hooray! Now for the maintaining part…

3. Stop biting my hands.

UPDATE: So far no good. Any advice is welcome. This is proving to be a tough one for me.I’ve realized that I’m less likely to bite and pick my hands if my nails are polished so I’ll be giving myself more manicures in the future.

4. Go to spin class.

UPDATE: Not yet. I don’t have a gym membership right now and won’t until I’m employed. This will happen as soon as I’m back living the Goodlife.

5. Learn to run.

UPDATE: Heck yes! I run my first 5K on July 24. Eep, that’s next weekend.

6. Find a better life/work balance.

UPDATE: Well, I can’t really do this one yet since I don’t have a job. My doctors have approved my return to the workforce so I’m currently job hunting. I am looking at job opportunities very carefully to ensure the positions I apply to will allow for a healthy life/work balance.

2.5 out of 6. I better get a move on! Half the year is already gone.

SOTS wonders… how are you doing with your goals?
Bella

Returning to life as I knew it

It’s been a long time since I’ve done a proper recovery update. I’m happy to report that I’m doing much better. I have a few lingering symptoms – headaches with pressure changes and occasional dizziness. My head is less squishy. I realize that sounds weird, but it’s a very good sign. I’ve also had days without headaches. Hugely exciting! I had an MRI and all was clear, which means I’ll eventually make a full recovery.

Gone are the activity restrictions! The deal is that I can do whatever I want, but I have to stop if I get a headache. So far, I’ve been to the movies (caused a headache, but only a minor one) and a Jays game (major headache, but totally worth it). I’ve been more physically active and started strength training. My body is thrilled to be active again. If muscles could smile, believe me, mine would.

My doctors even gave me the go-ahead to search for a job. Frankly, I needed this. I’m going a bit nutty without a job. I feel like I don’t do anything all day long, which is frustrating for a Type A personality. I’ve promised myself that I won’t go back to being the work-obsessed blackberry-addicted crazy person I was before. After all, this is my quest for a balanced life.

SOTS wonders… how would you fill the days?
Bella

Six months ago today

Six months ago today I was hit in the head with a softball. Maybe it’s my glass-half-full attitude, but I wouldn’t change what happened. I’ve discovered a lot about myself because of the accident, and I’ve taken time to evaluate my life. Here are six lessons from the past six months:

1. Wear a helmet. I was playing in a Sunday beer league that doesn’t require batters to wear helmets. Regardless of the league’s policy about helmets, I should’ve had one on my head. From now on, I’ll take responsibility for my own safety.

2. Surround yourself with generous loving people. Boyfriend, family, and friends got me through this. They take better care of me than I do, and I appreciate each and every one of them.

3. Respect your mind and body. During the first few weeks – okay, fine, months – I tried to force my recovery. I pushed myself too hard too fast. Just because you can push through the pain doesn’t mean you should. Listen to your body and respect what it tells you. Take the time you need to fully recover from an injury.

4. Recognize there’s more to life than your career. I was a blackberry-addicted career-aholic who couldn’t leave work at the office. I can see now that there’s more to life and more to me than my job.

5. Be a priority in your own life. I’ll return to the workforce with new found perspective. I will put me first. I won’t sacrifice healthy eating, exercise, and sleep the way I used to. I will make my health a priority.

6. Don’t let an accident keep you from what you love. Yes, I was hit in the head. Yes, the past few months have been difficult. But I love softball. I’ve been playing since I was a kid and this is the first major injury I’ve had. I will play again as soon as I’m able.

Bella

What if

First of all, my apologies to those who weren’t able to comment yesterday. Blogger was acting up, but I’ve made some changes to SOTS’s layout and hopefully the problem is fixed.

Lately I’ve had a serious case of the what ifs.

-What if I hadn’t been hit by the softball?
-What if my sense of humour doesn’t come back?
-What if I can’t return to my previous career?
-What if I put the weight back on?
-What if I lose my newfound perspective once I return to the workforce?

Yeesh. Talk about a pity party and worry fest. In general, I’m a glass half full type of person, but lately I’ve been getting stuck in cycles of negative thinking. Frankly, I don’t like this new habit of mine. It’s time to turn these negative what ifs around and see the positive side of things.

-What if I hadn’t taken the time to heal properly?
-What if I hadn’t chosen to eat healthier?
-What if I didn’t have this time to evaluate my life?
-What if I treated my mind and body with respect every day?

Oh, hey. I think I just found my missing mantra. Today I will treat my mind and body with respect.

SOTS wonders… what’s your positive what if?
Bella

Tick, tick, tick

“It must be so nice to have all that time.”

That’s a common response when people find out I’m on sick leave. I have to tell you, this time off is a mixed blessing.

Yes, it’s great to have time to evaluate my life. I certainly needed to take a break from my high-stress career-driven world and re-visit my priorities. To be honest, nothing short of a softball to the head could’ve slowed me down so this accident may have been a blessing in disguise. I’m lucky to have a chance to pause and reflect on how my goals and priorities have changed over the last few years.

The flip side of this time off is that it isn’t a vacation. That list of things I’d do if “I only had the time” isn’t getting shorter. Cars, trains, and planes aggravate my symptoms so travelling is out. My computer time is limited so writing a book isn’t an option (although I do love writing blog posts). That’s not to say I’m doing nothing. I’ve cleaned out the kitchen cupboards. I’ve reorganized my closet. I’ve tried new recipes. But most importantly, I’m healing.

Before the accident I used time as an excuse. I skipped the gym because I didn’t have enough time for a good work out. I grabbed unhealthy food on the go because I didn’t have time to grocery shop and prepare my own meals. Heck, I even skipped annual physicals because I didn’t have time for a doctor’s appointment.

I didn’t take the time to treat myself with respect. I filled my days with excuses and put other people’s priorities before my mental, emotional, and physical well-being. I fooled myself into thinking I didn’t have time for me, but I know I wasted at least 30 minutes each day. Was it absolutely necessary for me to give up my lunch hour to get in that extra bit of work? Was it imperative I beat that next level of Lego Indiana Jones on my DS? Did I really need to re-watch that episode of The Simpsons for the eighth time?

I’m giving myself 30 minutes of guilt-free “me time” every day. This isn’t a huge challenge while on sick leave, but it’s something that I need to start now so that it’s a habit when I re-enter the workforce. I will make myself and my health a priority.

Today my “me time” will be a 30-minute walk to my favourite tea shop.

SOTS wonders… how will you find 30 minutes today and what will you use your “me time” for?
Bella

10 things about me

In an effort to learn how to define myself without referring to my career, I’ve made a list of 10 random things about me… and not one of them mentions my job title. I’d call this progress.

1. I would happily eat oatmeal every morning for the rest of my life.

2. I pride myself on my book collection. Feel free – actually, I encourage you – to judge me by it.

3. I moisturize head-to-toe daily.

4. I assume people don’t remember who I am even after they’ve met me multiple times.

5. I have my father’s eyes.

6. I own a guitar, but don’t know how to play.

7. I love my nose ring; my mother tolerates it.

8. I am afraid of fish. That said, there are three living in my apartment. Boyfriend got them for Christmas. For the record, the fish I live with are not scary. They’re actually quite entertaining.

9. I only drink three things: milk, tea, and water.

10. I colour code my closet and alphabetize my DVDs.

SOTS wonders... how do you define yourself?
Bella

Hi Heels!

Wearing stilettos on the streetcar is kind of like writing your first blog post. You're slightly unsure of yourself, and hope you don’t end up feeling stupid for deciding to do it.

I’m still determining exactly what this blog will be, but here’s what I do know: I need to make a life change. I’ve recently been forced (read: suffered an injury) to take a long hard look at my life. Confession – the long hard look didn’t happen until after I’d watched HOURS of daytime television, but it did happen and that’s the important part.

I’ve realized that I define myself by my career and have a very unhealthy addiction to my blackberry. Even on sick leave I couldn’t put it down. Also, I often sacrifice gym time, healthy eating, and sleep – sometimes for good reasons, but often for no reason at all.

I need to find a healthier life/work balance where I have a successful career, but I also make time for myself. I need to learn to be a “me advocate.”

I’m not one to talk about my feelings and emotions so each and every blog post will be a challenge for me. I’ll share with you (whoever you are) the ups and downs of my world – hopefully with a bit humour – as I begin my quest to find balance.

Bella